Whew, I have not written in forever.
As you know, I mainly write religious topics here, and as many of you probably don’t know, I use the Facebook page mainly for sharing more health-related information. Healthy things are easy to continually share, but typing up articles on spirituality and doctrine are more difficult for me, especially because I feel I’m still trying to figure out exactly who I am as a Christian, what I believe, what I’m striving for and how I should approach publishing all of that information for everyone to read.
The more controversial things I write, the more I end up desiring to be a hermit and never say anything again. So, I take breaks and re-evaluate.
But I enjoy writing, and I know I’ve enjoyed the writing of others so I would like to pick this back up as soon as I figure out some things in my life.
We all have struggles and things we have to accept and overcome in our lives. Becoming a Christian was what I needed- something entirely opposite from my life before: structure, purpose, motivation, clear boundaries. And things seemed very black-and-white, logical, simple in the beginning: sin vs. not sin, right and wrong, heaven or hell.
But this year has been a year of much learning- about myself, about others, about God, about the Bible. And I feel like I’ve reached the beginning of a new level. And in this beginning, things are gray and light gray and dark gray, with few absolutes.
So many assumptions could be made about what I mean by that, and I hope I’m given the benefit of the doubt by those who think they’ll probably disagree, because I don’t think I can expand upon it right now.
This year has also probably been the first time that I’ve felt we’ve really started our lives. When we married, my husband was in training and we worked at McDonald’s and played Mario and Donkey Kong and all of our friends’ lived next door. It didn’t really feel like adulthood.
But now we’re away from our families, raising Isaac, meeting new people, Thailer is preaching and we’re facing the rest of our lives and real decisions. Where are we going? What exactly are we doing? What exactly is family?
And I’ve been in denial about myself, I think. There are things I need to deal with and overcome, and I need to accept that and not be so hard on myself.
And why am I vaguely pouring myself out to you, anonymous internet reader? I don’t know. As with anything that I’ve dealt with in my life, I could only come to terms with it if I thought that I might be able to help someone else because of that experience. Opening up about Riley, for example, has certainly been therapeutic at times, when there is encouragement, but it’s been heartbreaking when I’ve faced criticism for it as well. Yet, what makes it worth it are the handful of times that I’ve been able to be real with other girls who are facing the same mistakes and hardships in their lives, now. It’s been worth it when others have felt they could come to me because they think I might be able to relate.
So, if I can come to be open about the things I’m struggling with even now, then I hope someone else will stumble upon my experiences and feel understood or encouraged to keep going. I think it is absolutely disabling to face judgment and misunderstanding from others when you’re struggling and you aren’t sure how you’re supposed to feel about yourself or what you’re supposed to do or even how God feels about you.
I know I haven’t offered any concrete information other than portraying that I have things going on and I’m probably confused about them. :P
It’s kind of a waste of an article, but I’m hoping it’s opened the door for me to start writing again…about anything.